You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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