my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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