feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
