"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
