how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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