Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
