Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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