if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
