At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
