i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
