I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
