i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
