i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We're too hungover to prance.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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