I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Success! We fucked roommates!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
