in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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