Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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