I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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