I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just googled if crying burns calories
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
