If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
