Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
