I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize