I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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