Already got asked if we're dating
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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