I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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