Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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