Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
