have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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