if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
