she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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