My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
