I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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