I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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