Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
