i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
