I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
where are my eyebrows?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
