Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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