No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
