yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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