It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
