please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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