the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
