Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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