Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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