I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
