Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
