reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
