all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
