im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
