Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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