FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
