you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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