i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
