At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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