Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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