Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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