I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
