my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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