i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
